Tuesday, February 28, 2017

Stuff that newbie White Ultra Runners Like

We are starting to become a little cliche on how different we want to be. Some observations made by me and some of my runner friends. I suppose I get annoyed too easily. I guess this isn't specific to white people but everyone who does or says all these things that I know are white. Seriously. What's with you surburban whities? I'll be more cheerful in my next post. But you annoying ultra people..especially the newbies that started running after well into adulthood...you know who you are.

1. Outdoorsy cars for car camping before races. Meanwhile you are at a desk in your real life but you might just bust out of your cubicle and go escape to the mountains on a moment's notice you never know!
2. Ultra Runner Beards -  You look like a hobo with pubes on your face. Stop it.
3. Craft Beers - really? This is what makes you different and cool?
4. Moonshine -  ok this is weird and kinda cool and scary and also can be used to take my nail polish off.
5. Plaid Flannel shirts. Guys. It's not a good look. You are blowing snot and peeing in the woods. After you shower, do us a favor and try to put on a shirt that didn't look like it came from the dollar store.
6. Folk Bands. Extra cool points if no one has heard of them before. Having no taste in music does not make you musically gifted or interesting.
7. Camping and cabins preferred over 5 star hotels with 1000 thread count sheets. Really?
8. The word "stoked". You are not in 7th grade. Stop it.
9. Yoga. I will smack you if you say "hot yogs".
10. Relating all life experience to ultras. No, your job, your dog your kid your home improvement project is not an ultra. Not everything is relatable to an ultra. You're not deep. You're not interesting. Stop it.
11. Calling a 100 mile race "hundy". Don't. Just don't.
12. The Valencia Instagram filter. I don't mind this that much.
13. The Patagonia puffy jacket. This apparently, is the latest uniform for ultra runners and newbie wanna be's.
14. Badwater. like. why. And no I'm not crewing.
15. Barkley. like. why. You work in a cubicle by day. What makes you think you can do this.
16. Matcha tea. I'm Asian and even I'm like wtf is this crap.
17. Trucker caps. Because that flannel shirt and beard didn't already make you unfuckable enough.
18. Hokas -  I tried them. Dumb. Wtf is that high heel shit.
19. Altras -  My grandmother had shoes that ugly once.
20. Born to Run book.- stop with the barefoot running bs. You are not a Tarahumara Indian. You are a suburban badass wanna be that's allergic to everything. Stop it. Go get some regular shoes.
21. Personal blog about every single run experience ever written in excruciating detail like all of us give an actual fuck. We don't. Wrap it up there buddy. We don't need to read War and Peace.
22. 50 miler or 100 miler stickers all over your car just in case someone didn't know you were a runner. We already know. You know how? Cuz you fucking told us a 1000 times.
23. Being an "ambassador" to some unknown thing and acting like you got the Michael Jordan Nike contract. Just because you got a sock or a shoe for free does not make you a sponsored athlete for fuck's sakes.
24. Strava every fucking workout. For fuck's sakes no one cares.
25. Dressing in a tutu for a race like you are a 5 yr old girl at her first dance recital. You are 37 and you look like an asshole. Just don't.
26. Humblebrag or sandbag about races and calling it a "training run" when you've never run that fast in your whole life..and by fast I mean 10:30 miles. woo hoo....
27. Calling every run photo in the woods "trail porn". Shut up. You are not Ansel Adams with your cell phone camera using instagram filters. Shut up.
28. Deep quote selfies of your ugly face way too close up, or set your cell phone to timer and get a photo of yourself running in the woods. You are a dork. That takes a lot of time and effort. You are not a fucking model. You are not a majestic one with nature runner. And if one more person quotes that "The Mountains are Calling so I must go" bullshit, I am going to smack you.
29. Taper Tantrum. Why. Why would you say this. This is dumb. You get to sit around and relax for a change. STFU. Some of us single moms would kill to have a fucking taper tantrum in everyday  LIFE here and there. Don't complain that you don't have enough to do. Come do my fucking dishes or pick up my kid. I'll give you something to do with you and your stupid taper tantrum.
30. Film Festivals. Ok. Guilty. I likem and it's not that douchey. Ok a little douchey but I likem.
31. Your race buckle you got for coming in last at your 100 miler. Sorry but you walked for 2 days. Who cares. You're not good. Take it off. It doesn't go with your mom jeans.
32. #ChasingVert on every instagram "trail porn" every time you climb a hill. Good for you. Because climbing a hill has never been done before.
33. Highly publicized "fun runs" that do absolutely nothing even though it kinda sounds like it might but no..it's just an excuse for you to put wine in your hydration pack and go be annoying in public running around taking selfies. Good for you. no need to publicize that shit. We don't care. If you're gonna spread goodwill...how about you raise some cash and do something kind for humanity? No. That's  a lot of work huh? Just gonna wear a tutu and run from bar to bar and spread good cheer. Nice work mother Theresa.

No comments:

Post a Comment